In September of 2020, my wife, daughter, and I flew out to Colorado Springs, CO to visit our son David at Fort Carson. He had been stationed there since July of 2020 after returning from Korea. On Sunday September 6th, 2020 David wanted to go visit New Life Church, a large non-denominational church in Colorado Springs. I will never forget that morning. We were sitting on the 2nd row, and David was directly to my left. I remember looking over to my side, and I saw David with his hands held high, eyes closed, and worshipping the Lord. He was singing loudly from his heart, and the peaceful look on his face is permanently emblazoned in my mind. I didn't think that much of it at the time, but since, it has become one of my favorite cherished memories. After church that day David pulled me aside and said that he would like to just go out to lunch with his dad and get some "Dad Time!" I knew the girls would feel slighted, but I ever so gently told Amy and Hannah that David wanted to spend some one-on-one time with his dad over lunch. We went to an "Omlettes Etc." restaurant across the street, and proceeded to talk about life. It was the first time that I felt like David just wanted to talk with his dad man to man, without any set agenda or topic. I will always cherish that day!
Fast forward 20 months from that day, and I now thank the Lord for that alone one-on-one time with my son. It wasn't anything glorious or deep conversationally, but it was the simple fact that my son had requested some alone time at lunch with his dad. Since that Labor Day weekend was the last time that I physically saw my son alive, I reflect a lot on that time. Worship for me at church has never been the same. Every time the music starts, I enter into the presence of God. Allow me to rewind and remind you that there was a time that I never thought I would be able to worship again. The first month that I returned to church after David's death, I sat there with my arms folded and a scowl on my face. After all, how could everybody be joyful around me? Did they not know what I was going through? How could I sing praises to God? Did He not know that I had blamed him for not preventing my sons death? Gradually, as the weeks unfolded, my arms became untangled from my chest, and eventually I would either fall humbly to my knees, or I would raise my hands heavenward. It took me some time. I would like to say that it was instantaneous, but it just wasn't. It was like God was slowly untangling the knot of resistance and bitterness in my soul.
One Sunday while at church, I heard a song that a friend of mine Bryce Osborne wrote (Awaken Worship). He is the worship pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, KY. I had gotten to know Bryce's heart, as he led a small group that I participated in. The name of the song is "Chose Me." I asked Bryce if it would be okay if I typed up the lyrics on this blog, and he said of course.
CHOSE ME
This world is sifting sand. It's not my solid rock. When nations rise and fall. Lord you still my heart. When tomorrow's on my mind, and worry has my side. This place is not my home. You're with me through the night.
I know you chose me, because you love me, No powers of hell can stand against your word. I know your for me, you'll never forsake me, no matter the cost, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours.
When the world breaks around me, I know whose in control. If you set it all in motion. You can calm my anxious soul. Remind me now to trust you, and see the mountains that you move. You still make ways in the valleys, cause that's just what you do.
I know you chose me, because you love me, No powers of hell can stand against your word. I know your for me, you'll never forsake me, no matter the cost, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours. I know who I am, I know that you chose me, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours, I know who I am, I know that you chose me, I'm forever yours.
No fear can hold me. No lies can shake me. Here in your presence, I stand secure. I know where I'm going, I trust in your promise, my name is written on the palm of your hand. No fear can hold me. No lies can shake me. Here in your presence, I stand secure. I know where I'm going, I trust in your promise. My name is written on the palm of your hand.
I know you chose me, because you love me, No powers of hell can stand against your word. I know your for me, you'll never forsake me, no matter the cost, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours. I know who I am, I know that you chose me, I'm forever yours, I'm forever yours, I know who I am, I know that you chose me, I'm forever yours.
THAT SONG WRECKS ME EVERY TIME!!! I can't stop crying while I am just sitting here typing out the lyrics. Bryce sat down and wrote that when the US was withdrawing its troops from Afghanistan in September of 2021. He wrote it knowing that there were a lot of Christian believers being persecuted and killed at the hands of the Taliban. The lyrics just speak volumes to me that God has chosen me, and that no power of hell can stand against His Word. I know God is for me, and that he will never forsake me. I would refer back to my last blog where I identified the fact that our faith can't and shouldn't be based on feelings. It is not how I am feeling as to whether or not I am saved or realize that God is in my corner, but rather to have faith to stand on His Word. He declares me his child, and He sent his son Jesus to die for me, in order that I might live.
This morning at church we had my 4 year old grandson Thomas in the worship service with us. It was the first time that he has not been in children's church since David died. I would remind you that Thomas is David's son that he left behind for us. He is such a joy and blessing. As soon as he came down the aisle to the fourth row where I was sitting, he immediately held out his hands for me to pick him up. As soon as I did, I once again, like every Sunday for the past 16 months, felt my son on my left side worshipping, as that was my last memory of him in Colorado Springs. I cried while holding Thomas as I continued to worship with Thomas in my arms. I whispered in Thomas's ear that I loved him, and he whispered back to me "I love you too PaPaw!" Then it happened!!! Our worship leader Luke started playing "Chose Me." For the first time, I heard David whisper to my soul "You've Got This Dad!" I lost it. I thought I was going to drop Thomas. My whole body started wracking in sobs, while I held my hands lifted high. Once again I let the lyrics wash over me from that song. Never before has there been a song that I felt was written for such a time as this. As I stood there holding Thomas, wracking in tears, arms held high, I realized what had just happened. For 16 months I have been telling David, "I have got this David." I will raise your son to know you, to love God, and to carry on your legacy. He reminds me so much of you, and he talks about his daddy quite frequently, and points to you in the pictures around the house. For whatever reason, just like you said that Sunday in Colorado Springs that you needed some dad time, I felt like you gave me some dad time with you this morning. Instead of me reassuring you that I have got this, in my time of weakness, you looked down and instead affirmed back to me that "You've God This Dad!"
I would like to thank Bryce Osborne for being used by God in his writing and delivering of such powerful inspired worship music. I also want to reiterate that I am a work in progress. One of the main times that I break down crying anymore is during the worship service on Sunday. Thank you David for suggesting that we go to that church in Colorado Springs that Sunday. You gave this dad a memory of hope every time I worship now. I continue to move forward each day, but it doesn't mean that I heal a little more each day. I also want to thank my readers (unsure how many of you are out there) for reading my work, and leaving comments. This has been more therapeutic for me than you will ever realize. I know that some of my writings can appear dark and heavy at times, but I promised straight out of the gate to be authentic and vulnerable. So I leave you with this thought. As hard as life is at times (and trust me I know about hard times) You've got this. Not on your own accord, as that is impossible. But if you surrender your life to God's all consuming power, He promises to never leave or forsake us!
Love you David. You will forever live on in my daily memories!!!