Attention: Spoiler Alert for the Movie "Maverick" (but who really cares, because you want to read my blog, and you have already seen the movie)!

In 1986 we saw the release of the movie "Top Gun."  It starred Tom Cruise as the character "Maverick", and Anthony Edwards as "Goose."  There was a full line up of blockbuster actors in that movie, including Val Kilmer as "Iceman."

This blog is not meant to be a movie review, although I highly recommend seeing "Maverick" as it is one of the best movies I have ever seen!  With that being said, I intend to draw out an emotion that many that watch that movie will gloss over.  That is the element of grief that Maverick is still experiencing 36 years after his friend Goose was killed.  Allow me to step back in time to 1986 when the first movie was filmed. 

In the original Top Gun movie, we see that Maverick is a hot shot pilot.  Iceman accused him of being reckless, and at first did not like flying with him.  There is such irony in this relationship, as they become lifelong friends and battle buddies.  However, on one fateful day, Maverick and Goose were on a training mission and flew too close to the jet wash of another plane.  When they ejected out, Goose hit the canopy and broke his neck.  The hurt that Maverick experienced was unexplainable.  He had to go confront Carole, Goose's wife played by Meg Ryan, and explain to her what had happened.  If you remember, Tom Cruise played the part well in being so choked up with grief that he didn't know what to say to her.  That whole first movie is about his overcoming grief, when he was at the point of giving up his career and not graduating with his Top Gun class.  He overcomes his grief (or so we are led to believe) at the conclusion of a successful mission towards the end of the movie.  It is at this point that we see Maverick on the aircraft carrier with Goose's dog tags in his hand.  

Oh, that moment of consternation you can see from the pictures I have attached above.  We all remember seeing him contemplate throwing those dog tags off the tail of the aircraft carrier, while the wind was blowing in his face.  This was his moment to "move on" from his grief and loss.  This was his moment where he could put aside his hurt and frustration of blaming himself for his best friend's death.  Oh, the freedom and liberty we saw in Maverick at that moment where he could finally move on and not have to deal with death anymore.  After all, all of his friends and fellow Top Gun pilots around him are all telling him to move on and not be so hard on himself.  They are all telling him that it is not his fault.  Well, we see 36 years ago a demonstration in an hour and fifty-minute movie of how grief settles into a person's life, and how it is resolved all in less than 2 hours.  What a great life example!

OR  WAS  IT???   NOPE

Fast forward 36 years, and Tom Cruise again returns to the screen as Pete "Maverick."  The entirety of this movie shows Maverick wresting with his grief and allowing himself to heal a little more.  To forgive himself for the accident that killed Goose all those years ago, but also for a decision to keep Goose's son out of the Air Force Academy at his mother's request.  The entirety of this movie shows him confronting his grief through emotions of anger, doubt, fear, frustration, rejection, love, and self-pity.  He is functional in going about his life, but one can argue that this is a life-long journey he has and will be on.  We see a particular part in the movie when Maverick goes to visit his dying friend, Iceman.  Ice happens to be an Admiral, and we see portrayed that Ice was his biggest supporter over the past 36 years when others wanted to give up on him.  Ice knew what Maverick was going through, as he also was a battle buddy of Goose's.  He could empathize with the grief that Maverick was holding on to.  It wasn't really as much about Ice encouraging Maverick to let go of his grief, as much as to experience Post Traumatic Growth.  

In summation, I wrote this as I can see the world spinning around me not stopping to understand some of the basic concepts of life.  There is Birth, Life, and Death.  We celebrate the first event every year when our birthdays come around.  We forget to celebrate living, until death happens, and through tears we hold a "Celebration of Life" service.  I am wanting to bring awareness to others that we can celebrate that in-between in the here and now.  I want to celebrate life to its fullest every day.  My breath is a gift from God, and I acknowledge that life sucks at times, but I still celebrate life.  As a society that gets such lessons of life from movies that we watch, I found it important to parallel these two movies that were 36 years apart.  I thought Tom Cruise did an excellent job at portraying in his face emotionally all of the mileage that grief has taken on him through the years.  Through awareness, I tackle the naive comments that others have made to me over the last 19 months since my first-born sons passing: "Oh you are still dealing with that?"  "You need to stop going out to the cemetery, he isn't there."  "At least you have two other children."  "Time heals everything (after all in the first Top Gun movie we saw it all wrapped up in a bow in under 2 hours)."  "At least you will get to see him again in heaven."  "You just need to stop dwelling on David and move on."  "Oh, I didn't want to say anything to you, out of fear of triggering something."  All of these naive (I am being very kind in not calling them "Stupid Comments") I have learned to show grace in, as the giver just doesn't understand.  I used to make the same comments to others.  So, my ask of you today is to invest into others' lives.  Come alongside of them even if it is messy.  Love on them and omit the comments and judgement.  The greatest gift you can give somebody is the Gift of Presence.  Not Presents (although those are nice too) but just being there and present.  And if you are the one needing to receive this, it is my hope that you can ask for help and somebody to love on you.

I am including the YouTube video of the Lady Gaga theme song for the movie Maverick, "Hold My Hand" as it is just a kick-butt song that I love!!!

The motto of the Boy Scouts is "Be Prepared!"  Some people think that is in the eye of the beholder, and that being prepared looks different for each person.  I guess if you are going to go with that line of thinking, then it comes down to the pain tolerance you are willing to endure.  

Last week Amy and I decided to go hiking in the Great Smokey Mountains.  On Wednesday's, they close down the Cades Cove Driving Loop to vehicle traffic and open it up to walkers and bicyclists.  Mind you that this is an 11-mile paved loop that is not for the faint of heart if you are walking it (Electric bikes don't count).  Most people do not walk a mile a day, not to mention 11 miles.  I have been walking 5 miles a day pretty consistently, so I knew that I was conditioned with endurance to endure until the end.  However, I knew to have the right shoes on, have a day pack with snacks, and bottles of water.  Along the road, there are two separate "escape routes" that you can take if you don't want to do the whole 11 miles.  One by one we saw people that started off walking bail out early.  Please don't feel that I am besmirching them or their character, as I give them credit for being out there in nature and exercising.  However, my point to this blog is that you have to be prepared. Most of the people I saw walking were visibly not prepared.  They were wearing flip flops, did not have any snacks or bottles of water with them, and just thought that they could tackle an 11 mile walk on their own while pushing a baby stroller.  Others yet were not visibly unprepared, but were not used to walking, and therefore started to cramp up and get blisters on their feet soon after starting.  It was a long 5 hours (we stopped along the way to see the historical buildings) but we were tuckered out at the end.  

Two days later, we decided to drive the Cades Cove Loop, and stopped at the Abrams Falls Trail to hike.  Once again, I saw the same things as I saw just two days before, but this was not a paved road.  This was a 2.5 mile "Moderately Difficult" hike that takes 3-4 hours.  Do you know how I know that?  BECAUSE  IT  IS  ON  THE  SIGN!!!  That is right, the sign at the beginning of the trail.  As Amy and I started off on our hike with our hiking shoes, 3 bottles of water each, extra pair of socks, hand towel to dry feet at the falls, and ample snacks; we started off on the trail.  I should mention that we sat out in the parking lot eating some salad, sushi, and dates, all while hydrating with a bottle of water before walking to the trail head.  We wanted to make sure that we were well nourished and hydrated prior to starting the hike.  Once again, I smiled and kept my comments to myself as we passed people wearing flip flops, crocs, bleach white tennis shoes, barefoot, pushing baby strollers, no water bottles, carrying plastic bags with swimming gear.  

They would make the argument that they were prepared to swim in the falls upon their arrival at the end of the trail.  However, that is not really what is important, is it?  Some turned back and didn't even make it to the falls at the top, as they realized that the protruding rocks on the trail and serpent like tree roots were no competition to their flippy flops.  Still others would put down their plastic bags filled with swimsuits, in exasperation of their thirst and lack of hydration preparation.  Once we got to the falls, I witnessed a girl walking down the trail barefoot holding her shoes, while holding a bottle filled with murky creek water.  I can only surmise that she went swimming with her only pair of shoes and realized that walking in wet shoes the 2.5 miles on the return trip was causing blisters.  I am also guessing that she made it up on one bottle of water, but realized she had none for the return trip, and risked all of the dangers of drinking murky creek water.  As we left on the return trip, I kept coming across people complaining asking if they were there yet, and I would honestly tell them, "No, you are still a ways away."  I was not trying to discourage them, I was just being honest that they had a ways to go, and maybe weren't prepared for the trip, or return trip.  

You can surmise what you would like out of this blog, but I just felt it too ironic not to write about. There were 3 different types of people that I saw on these hikes:  

1) The person who saw an Instagram photo of the Falls and thought that would be something fun to do with the family and took no thought of whether they or their kids were prepared for a 5-mile round trip "Moderately Difficult" hike.  All they saw were the beautiful refreshing pictures and didn't count the cost as to what it would take. They only saw the 2,5 miles on the sign and didn't think that was doubled for round trip.  They also might not have had any recollection of what distance 5 miles is walking up and down mountains, as let's face it, that whizzes by pretty fast in their minivan. 

2) The other type of person was somewhat prepared in that they had their swimsuit and maybe 1 bottle of water.  They thought that it would be sufficient, but as they got going, they realized how out of shape they were, and guzzled all of their water in the first mile and had nothing left for the other 4 miles.  Maybe they made it to the falls in order to go swimming but realized that they had no energy or supplies for the return trip.  Heat Exhaustion is a terrible thing.  

3) Then there was the prepared hiker who took a picture of the sign at the beginning.  They had a day pack on their back with just the amount of snacks needed and a minimum of 3 bottles of water.  They had an extra pair of socks just in case, and a hand towel to wipe their feet off after getting them wet in the watering hole.  They also might have walking sticks, because experience has shown them that those rocks and roots on the trail can tend to trip the best hiker, and it is no fun face-planting.  By the time they got to the Falls after 2.5 miles, they were ready to relax and eat a snack and hydrate, all while enjoying and taking in the sites.  When it was time to leave, they were complaining about the return trip, but rather realizing from the start that the Falls was only the halfway mark.  At the end of the 5 miles, they rewarded themselves with a nice cold ice bath in the mountain stream.  Geez, that sounds a lot like Amy and me.  

I am not trying to say that I have always been prepared in life.  As a matter of fact, the only way I know to be prepared on hiking trips, is because I was that guy who started off years ago not realizing I needed to pack water, snacks, extra socks, etc.  We learn from trial and error in life.  It is a whole lot easier if we are open to learning from others who have maybe already walked that section of the path of life that you are on.  

BE  PREPARED!!!  I concede that means something different for each person, but again eliminate the risk that you can out of life.  If you expect the unexpected, then you won't be so frazzled when things don't go your way.  We have heard it said that it is important to finish well in life.  In other words, if you hike a section of this journey of life you are on with aplomb, but give up on the rest, that is not finishing well.  We must prepare ourselves with and for endurance until the end.  This comes into play physically, spiritually, psychologically, etc. 

A few months back I mentioned in my blog that every Sunday morning I cry during the worship service at church.  A college friend of Amy and mine, commented that there is nothing more powerful than "Wounded Worship!"  She had lost her husband several years prior, so I knew that she added validity and weight behind her comment.  This blog is dedicated to the thought and concept of "Wounded Worship."  

Let me begin by saying that I am only 19 months out from the loss of my eldest son in an auto accident.  David will always be my first-born son, even though this week my son Nathan is now older than his older brother was when he passed (that was a punch in the gut).  I am no expert on the subject, but ever since her comment months ago, I haven't been able to get it out of my head.  So, what is about to follow is more than the ramblings of a broken man, or one who has it figured out or who has tapped into an unknown power source.  It is one who humbly is just scratching the service of total surrender before the face of God.

For years I would go to church every Sunday morning, sing joyfully unto the Lord, raise my hands heavenward, and ultimately walk away with a good warm fuzzy feeling.  I am not discrediting how I felt back then, or endorsing how I feel now.  The one major element that caused my exodus from the Pentecostal movement years ago, is that my relationship with the Lord is not based on feelings.  I might not "feel" that I am close with God at times (like right now), but that doesn't mean that He isn't holding me in the palm of His hand.  I might not "feel" that I have hope in finding joy in the future, but that doesn't mean that He isn't in control, and understands what I need and don't need in the here and now.  So, with the disclaimer thrown out there that my faith and hope is not built on "feelings," but rather on faith, I am still going to elaborate on the feelings that I have while standing wounded on Sunday mornings during worship.

What is worship?  Well in today's day and age of 2022, that is mainly summed up in a 20-minute praise session that immediately precedes the 20-minute message brought by the pastor.  None of that is meant to condemn or criticize, as that is the only time in my week that I feel comfort and solace.  However, I have grown into a deeper understanding of worship as of late, as it being the object of me surrendering my all of nothingness to my creator.  I say nothingness, as it requires my all in surrender, as there is absolutely nothing I have to offer as a benefit to God.  Well, that is not completely accurate, is it?  What He requires and desires of each of us is the willingness and ability to come before Him and surrender ALL to Him.  THAT  IS  THE  ACT  OF  WORSHIP!!!  It is not "what" we bring to the altar of praise, but rather the act of surrendering all the cares of the world at His feet. This can only happen though when we realize that there is not a single "thing" that God wants from us, but an empty vessel.  He is not impressed with how melodious and in-tune we think our singing is, or the types of clothing that we are wearing.  What He is impressed with, is when we realize that we are broken, and only He has the ability to fix us.  Granted, he uses others to accomplish His work, but we must come to acceptance with the tantamount theological fact that we are nothing, and He is EVERYTHING!

So why the concept of Wounded Worship, you might ask?  I truly believe it is because of two major words that very seldom enter into our English vocabulary; and if they are uttered from our lips, they are more than likely just lip service and not put into practice.  You see, these two words are not cool, attractive, or brave on the exterior, but I would argue that they are exactly that on the inside.  These two words are the key to life and unlocks the gateway of the soul.  Those two words are Authenticity and Vulnerability.  The antithesis of these words is Pride & Selfishness.  Proverbs 16:18 says that "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."  These my friends are what keep us from drawing closer to God.  

So, here goes the zip code emotionally that I reside in today.  I feel dead inside most days.  I struggle with being angry at God for not preventing my son's death.  I am hurt and confused that my surviving son and daughter seem to have moved on with their grief journey, and confused why it doesn't affect them quite the same way as their mom and dad (Truth: it is a different level of grief for a sibling than a parent).  I tend to find that most days I have Waldo and the beef on my mind.  "Where is Waldo" or "Where's the Beef" being two slogans from a by-gone marketing era.  I also am asking "Where is my Joy, and will I ever find it again?"  For a person who was so used to being in control of his life and everything in it (both personally having a touch of OCD, to professionally being a licensed financial planner), it was hard for me to admit that I am not in control.  I am not out of control; I am just not in control most days.  That is not the scariest position or state of being in life.  What is scarier is when you think you are in control, and you are not.  

How is that for Authenticity and Vulnerability?  I know some of you are still trying to connect the lines of how and why that has anything to do with the concept of Wounded Worship.  Well allow me to put a bow on this package for you.  In a life where I do not feel in control, do not feel joyful, and do not feel close to God, I am vulnerable by nature.  However, I am deliberate by choice with Authenticity by showing and expressing my Vulnerability.  When I enter into the church service on Sunday mornings, I walk in spiritually naked.  I do not have any of the trappings of pride and selfishness.  I do not feel that I have it all figured out, or that I have anything that God needs, other than my surrender and brokenness.  I do not walk in with any pre-conceived notions of what I hope to get out of my time standing raw and naked before Him.  I just simply stand tall as a 6'6" man but feel like I am laying prostrate before Him sucking carpet fibers.  I come with the attitude of "Here I am again, standing before you broken with nothing to offer you but myself!  If you see it fit to use this empty vessel, then I am available for Your service.  If not, then I will continue to praise you in the storm, no matter how I feel on the outside."

If you worship near me on a Sunday morning, don't be embarrassed if you see this big man weeping during the worship service.  Don't feel sorry for me.  Don't have pity on me for my dead son.  Don't feel that you have to fix me.  Don't wonder why I grab my sons dog tags under my shirt, and his thumb print.  Don't look at me like I am a weirdo (well...I am that :).  Rather, figuratively come alongside of me where you are sitting.  Surrender your heart to the all-consuming power of God.  Learn that there is nothing that you have to offer God that He needs, other than your nothingness in surrender.  

Why should you not pity me?  Well, because my friends, I have tapped into Wounded Worship, and it has been one of the most powerful experiences of my life.  During the week when I crave a good cry and can't, I am able to open the flood gates of emotions while humbly standing before Him in praise.  While I am struggling with being angry at God, He tells me that He is stronger than I, and can handle any emotions I throw His way.  While I struggle with finding joy in life again, He says that I don't have to be on a mission to find anything, but it is okay to just rest in the palm of His hands.  No don't pity me, envy me.  Not in the grief journey that I have been forced to embark upon, but rather the act of being stripped bare of the systemic pride and selfishness that is a cancer that runs rampant in our souls, by erecting a solid wall of separation from God.  Just like the veil was torn in two in the Holy of Holies upon Jesus's death, that element of separation can also be torn in two in your lives if you allow Authenticity and Vulnerability to take hold during your surrender to the one who made you!

My disclaimer as usual for these blogs is not to tout my life as a beacon of success, but rather as a demonstration of the sometimes-hard path that we walk down.  I know that there are others out there that are reading this that can totally empathize with my comments, and yet others that don't have the foggiest idea of the zip code in which I reside emotionally.  I write this for all!  Not just for those who "Get It" on this grief journey I am on (you know who you are), but also for those who don't understand.  Allow this to be a warm word of wisdom for your heart.  Tough times are coming for us all.  I would much rather walk into the future learning from my past, then to have blinders on and be caught off guard by what tends to sneak upon you.  May this be an encouragement to whomever reads it, and if it is so, please comment, as it also blesses me in my writings.