Although Etch A Sketch came out in 1960, and I am a descendant of the 70's, it was one of my favorite toys growing up; along with Lincoln Logs, the Slinky, and the Rubics Cube.  Unfortunately, some of my readers might not have had the privilege of using an Etch A Sketch, so allow me to elaborate on how it works.  The above picture was created by a local artist Carrie Johns from Floyds Knob, IN.  It is a masterpiece, and not something easily done.  Most people doodle with the knobs and make some kind of an image.  Inside of the contraption is aluminum powder.  The left knob controls a stylus that moves horizontally, while the right knob moves it vertically.  The most important part is that when you mess up or are done with the picture and want to start over, all you have to do is give it a little shake, and the slate is clean.  You are now ready to start a new picture. 

I was having coffee this morning with a close friend of mine, and I was sharing with him how I feel like I am a different man since the death of my son almost two years ago.  In many ways I feel like somebody has shaken the Etch A Sketch of my life and started over.  Things to me do not look the same as they did two years ago, neither do I look the same as a person.  Outwardly, I might look the same, but I can assure you that I am not the same man inside that I was two years ago.  Is that all for the negative, absolutely not!  Life is about learning, growing, and maturing as we get older.  Not all older people have gained wisdom, but all that have gained wisdom are one day older.  

The movie Princess Bride was released in 1987.  It is about a young woman, Buttercup, and the love of her life, sweet Wesley.  I can think of no better movie that demonstrates my point.  Halfway through the movie, Buttercup and Wesley are fleeing from soldiers while being driven into the Fire Swamp.  This swamp was filled with unpredictable belching fires that would come out of the earth at unexpected times.  On top of the fire, they had to fight off the RUS's (Rodents of Unusual Size), as well as the quicksand.  By the time they had been singed by the fires, bitten by the RUS's, and entrapped by the quicksand, they emerged out the other side a little worse for wear, but they emerged none the less.  However, the pursuing soldiers that had driven them into the Fire Swamp to begin with, had now gone completely around the swamp in order to ensnare them on the other side.  

Greg, what is your point you might ask?  I would make the case that Buttercup and Wesley were not fools for going through the Fire Swamp, as it taught them an invaluable lesson to be used down the road.  That is wisdom my friends!  Not all lesson outcomes of trials, tribulations, and testings are meant to be utilized today.  Some are meant to stay in our quiver to be pulled out at the right moment.  Wisdom gained today, is not always shared in the same here and now.  It might be a different picture on the Etch A Sketch that is shared in wisdom with somebody down the road.  Not all wisdom attained is meant to be shared.  Some is meant just for you as a guiding principle in life.  

I have heard a friend of mine recently say that he wished he just wouldn't wake up in the morning.  Another is seeking aggressive cancer treatments out of state.  Another's wife is getting ready to embark upon surgery to remove her cancer.  Another is dealing with a child who rejects the God of his youth, for the pleasures of this world.  There are hurts all around us, and sometimes we might either wish that our picture was shaken up and that we can start over, or we might even wallow in the shame of the current picture that we are living in.  One thing that I know for certain, is that your story is not over.  Life is not hopeless, and you do not need to live in fear.  You might feel alone, but you are not alone.  I see you and God sees you.  Even though some of you might not like your current situation, you can do something about it.  

Just like Buttercup and Wesley went through that Fire Swamp, they emerged out the other side.  Yes, they were then captured, but that is part of the story.  Their trials, tribulation, and testings were not over.  They thought that they could not take anymore, but they could.  Many take the I Corinthians 10:13 passage out of context and say that God will not give you more than you can bear.  That is not what it is saying.  It is talking about temptations and says that he will not suffer you to be tempted above what you are able.  The problem with thinking you can't take anymore, is only God knows your breaking point.  Several years ago, I climbed the Manitou Incline with my two sons in Colorado Springs, CO.  I will never forget the euphoria I felt when I thought I had reached the top, only to realize that it was a false horizon and that there was a ways more to go.  If you are in a trial, don't be surprised if it carry's on longer than you anticipated.  

In summation, this is not meant to be a depressing blog, but one of hope.  Hope in the fact of who we can put our trust in, being Jesus Christ.  To trust and know that we are not alone, and that He holds us in the palm of his hand.  Hope that even though you might be going through a season of despair, isolation, and loneliness, God is in control.  Sometimes God wants us to be men and women of action and shake our Etch A Sketch of life, in order to change the situation we are in.  This might be an abusive relationship, dead-end job, etc.  Other times he might come along and shake it for us.  In my case it was losing my firstborn son.  In others in might be an unexpected illness.  However, it is important to note that the shaking of your life Etch A Sketch does not have to be tumultuous.  It might be a new life in Christ, and old things are passed away, and new things are being drawn for you every single day.  There is HOPE my friends.  Just know that your story is not over and is still being written!

"How long, O LORD?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?  How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?"
Psalm 13:1-2 (ESV)

I have become a man that keeps things close to his chest, as sometimes I just find it easier that way.  I used to be anti-facade and was the biggest advocate of authenticity and vulnerability.  I still am, but with the right people.  I am letting my guard down a bit, in hopes that this blog might speak to somebody else as well.  I look at Facebook and daily see hurts out there in abundance.  I have my share, but I am re-learning what it means to surrender those at the foot of the cross, and to go to my source of strength.  

I am fast approaching 2 years since the death of my eldest son David from an auto accident.  I have learned much over the past 2 years and have unlearned just as much.  I went from having what I thought was a very close walk with Jesus, to one of feeling nothingness.  In looking back, I believe that I was very Pharasitical in my approach to Christianity.  As much as we say that Christianity is not a works-based religion, many of us tend to demonstrate the opposite in our actions.  We tend to weigh one's depth with God on how many people we disciple, the amount of Bible Study groups that we are a part of, how many scriptures verses we can memorize and recite, or the number of "Bad" things that we are abstaining from.  All these in and of themselves are not bad, but I am learning that they are not the measuring stick that God is judging us by to evaluate our depth of closeness to Him.  In addition, just because I might not "feel" a certain way, does not make that the condition and situation of which I am. 

So how does God evaluate our depth in our walk with Him? Well, funny you should ask.  I believe that God is more interested in our brokenness than we want to believe.  Now some of you are reading this and thinking to yourselves that you have got to be closer to God than anyone else, as your life is a broken mess.  Allow me to elaborate before you interpret this incorrectly.  Brokenness in and of itself is not what God is looking for, but rather what we do with ourselves in bringing that to Him in surrender.  Many play the victim and wear it as a badge of honor, but never constructively learn who The Healer is, and that only He can fix you.  I have always said that a person should surround themselves with those that are stronger and wiser than them.  Someone who has already gone through many of the storms of life and has come out the other side a little drenched and worse for wear, but they gained wisdom and learned from their situation.  I have been doing this as of late with King David, the Psalmist in the Old Testament.  He not only lost a child and understood that grief, but also was rejected by his murderous King Saul.  He was alienated from his family while on the run, and his best friend Jonathan.  His enemies were always at his doorstep.  The awe-inspiring aspect of King David is how he is vulnerable and laments but doesn't stop there.  He goes on in the same chapter of his lamenting to cry out to God as his source of strength and comfort.  

"Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.  My soul also is greatly troubled.  But you, O LORD--how long?"
"I am weary with my moaning's; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.  My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all of my foes."
Psalm 6:2-3 & 6-8 (ESV)

"To you, O LORD, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit.  Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary."
Psalm 28: 1-2

In these passages we witness the Psalmist lamenting.  Maybe some of us have experienced this more than others, as life can be full of heartache.  The question that is posed by me and the Psalmist is "How Long, O LORD?"  It is a fair question to inquire how long one might have to endure one's grief, depression, heartache, rejection, etc.  However, don't expect an immediate answer.  I am learning that we go through seasons of life that might appear like alienation from God, but in reality, we just don't hear Him breathing beside us.  

Up until now, I have struggled with some anger and bitterness towards God.  I have wondered why my son had to die.  I know that we live in a sinful world and a fallen generation, and that God did not steal my son from me, but rather satan.  However, I also know that if He desired, it was in God's grasp to prevent this from happening.  A wise man once told me that asking the "Why" questions won't get you anywhere and will drive you insane.  I now see that the "Why" of the situation will never be answered, but I continue to ask, "How Long, O LORD?"  I want to point out that I find it very interesting how King David puts in all caps "LORD" in these passages.  LORD as translated is addressing Yahweh, which is the personal name and relationship with the God of the Hebrews.  This was differentiated from "Lord" which was the term or name for Adonai as the Hebrews Lord.  The small cap was a less personal approach to God, then all caps in calling him personally by name.  It would be similar to somebody addressing me as the writer of this blog, versus calling me by my name of Greg Jacobs.  This to me shows that there was a very real feeling of hurt/grief/alienation from God that King David felt deep inside of himself, but that he did not allow the hurt to turn to bitterness in order to distance himself from his relationship with Yahweh, his God.  

In closing, it is okay to go through those valleys of alienation and isolation.  It is never sought after, but they come anyway, as they are a part of life.  However, as I am learning, it is never okay to reside in a state of staleness and bitterness against God.  For me, this is applicable in my grief that I am going through.  For another, it might apply to a divorce, broken friendship, alienation from society from working remotely, etc. I believe that the first step is to admit your brokenness, then to learn to bring it to the foot of our maker in surrender to Him.  That is easier said than done, I get it.  I have struggled with reading my Bible and praying as of late, so I have resorted in reading these Psalms out loud to God, as they mirror my thoughts.  God understands and is blessed by our heart and desire for us to go to the source.  He made us inquisitive human beings that ask questions, so He is never alarmed or surprised at our emotions.  Just remember that we are all in different seasons of life.  This season might be a really hard one for you, and if so, I pray that my words enwrap around you in some empathetic comfort.  If this is a great season for you, that is awesome.  I would challenge you to do two things during this season of joy.  First, ask God how you might be able to love on someone you know who is struggling right now.  Secondly, prepare yourself for the seasons of darkness so you will not be caught unaware. 

I am intrigued that King David starts a chapter with lamenting, but then finishes it strongly with affirmation in his trust in God.  We saw earlier the lamenting of King David, but then now we see him call out his source of strength and refuge:

"Blessed be the LORD!  For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.  The LORD is my strength and my shield in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.  The LORD is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed.  Oh, save your people and bless your heritage!  Be their shepherd and carry them forever."
Psalm 28:7-9 (ESV)

Being married to a teacher of 26 years, I am fully aware of my incorrect use of the English language from time to time.  Amy is not an English teacher, but she is extremely blessed in her knowledge of the king's tongue.  There are many words that tend to be thrown out there and misused.  Words such as:

Except vs. Accept
Insure vs. Ensure
Its vs. It's
Their/There/They're
Then vs. Than
Your vs. You're
Which vs. That
No vs. Know
To/Too/Two

I would like to point out that these are mere words and usually not actions.  Is there really any fault created by the misuse of one of the words above?  Not really, unless you are an English teacher and on the receiving side of the conversation.  Most of the words listed above would only be noticed as incorrect if they were placed into writing, rather than vocal conversation.  

However, there are two words that are interchangeably used incorrectly in today's modern grammar.  They are "Sympathy" and "Empathy."  

The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines Sympathy as "feelings of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune."  For Example: They had great sympathy for the flood victims."

The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines Empathy as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of others."

Why does this matter?  Is it really important in the grand scheme of things?  No, not really as far as grammar goes.  However, it can be tantamount in your actions to others.  Unless you can truly understand what someone is going through, then it is always wisdom to abstain from trying to act like you do.  

I am obviously writing this from the slant of a grieving father who has lost an adult child.  It can however be used in pretty much any facet of life.  If a friend of yours lost his job and you never have, then you can't empathize with that person.  If you have never had cancer, than you can't empathize with what that co-worker is going through in their cancer treatments.  If you have never had a certain shared trauma in your life, then it is hard to empathize with somebody, but you can for sure sympathize with their situation and what they are going through.  

I recently had a conversation with another couple of dads, and we were talking about how going through this shared trauma of losing a child has increased our wisdom exponentially.  Prior to us going through this trauma and grief in our lives, we all agreed that everything else in life was trivial and miniscule compared to what we endure on any given day.  

Why is it important for us to understand the two uses of a similar word when it comes to your interactions with others?

First, in no way am I suggesting that if you haven't gone through a shared experience that you can honestly relate with, that you should hold your tongue.  Quite to the contrary.  We are built in life to communicate and support each other.  It is a rarity that somebody makes it through their entire life without having some kind of trauma.  No, I didn't type "drama," but rather "trauma."  We all have way too much drama in our lives.  Just a single day of parenting might entail a life's worth of drama.  So, speak up!  It is recommended to NOT say: "I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH!"  I put that in all CAPS on purpose, as it is usually spoken in a very depressing tone.  Instead, try saying "I just want you to know that you are loved and not alone!  How can I be here for you, and what do you need?"  This turns the conversation from more of a depressing tone of reminder of the trauma that somebody is going through, to one of solution, solace, and affirmation that they are not alone.  Empathy is not a requirement for one to be able to communicate with another's trauma.

Second, Please Please Please understand that you do not know it all.  At 48 years old I realize how little I know most days.  Just yesterday I helped my neighbor in his 70's replace a fuse in his lawnmower.  He had no idea that they even had fuses, and neither did I rub it in his face.  I am sure that by the close of the week, he will have taught me at least 10 things that I had no clue about.  Life is about being teachable and coachable.  In the past several years, I have fallen in love with the saying "Stay in your lane, Bro!"  It should not be interpreted as only communicate about a topic if you know anything about it.  You can still communicate about ANY topic, but it should be understood that you don't know everything, and as aforementioned, if you are in the sympathy camp, just let the person know that you love them, and they are not alone.  The world is full of narcissist who make everything about themselves, and in their search for wisdom, they became fools.

Thirdly, don't be cliche with your words.  There is nothing wrong with thanking a soldier for their service, but sometimes I think most have forgotten what it means, and they are just repeating a PC term that most use.  Be deliberate not only with your words, but with your actions.  If you let someone know that they are not alone, then mean it.  Telling someone they are not alone because you are standing next to them at that moment, but never again gracing them with your presence, is just purely asinine.  Make yourself available to them.  Showing love and affection is not a noun, but rather a verb.  

In closing, rest assured that life constantly changes around each and every one of us.  I do not wish trials, tribulations, and testings on anyone, they just happen.  It is a testing of our metal to see what we are made of.  Nobody should have to go through these alone.  Just like the changing of the seasons, you might be in a very green lush period of your life.  However, the person to your right or left might be seeing the leaves falling in their life.  Life will be much easier for you in the hard times, if you invest into friends lives when everything is going well for you, so that just possibly (barring a life of selfishness) that person might reciprocate it back to you when you are going through a rough patch.  

Will Yourself to Live!!!  That is an interesting statement.  Most of us breathe the air naturally on our own, without having to give it much thought.  However, I found myself needing to will myself to live.  I know...I know...some of you are saying to yourself that you are getting tired of reading these blogs from a grieving dad.  I sure hope that is not how you are interpreting what I am presenting, as that is not the message I am intending to convey.  If you are reading it through those sets of lenses, I would ask you to take a step back and read it from the angle that I am intending.  I am writing not just about my grief journey, but about learning how to THRIVE in life.  It doesn't take the death of a son in order to find yourself in survival mode.  Many people give up on thriving in life after the loss of a job, the dissolution of a marriage, being lonely in the single life, finding themselves as empty nesters, etc. and the list goes on.  What I intend to share with you is part of my journey that deals with thriving again.

A couple of nights ago Amy and I were on a grief share Zoom call, and the moderator asked us as a group to go around and share one word that would represent us in life.  Many said words such as Healing, Peace, Unstuck, Hope, etc.  When it was my time, I simply said "THRIVE!"  What does that mean exactly?  Well, if you think of the word "Survive" then the word Thrive is the complete opposite.  For many months I was in the survival stage of just trying to gasp for air and keep my head above water.  I went downhill medically and struggled for purpose in life.  This was the opposite of my life pre-David's death, as I had always had vision.  I found myself lacking vision, stability, and a willingness to live.  No, I am not talking about suicide (although all kinds of thoughts go around in your head while dealing with chronic depression).  No, I am merely talking about LIVING in capital letters.  It is easy to just exist, as most people do in life, but do they Thrive?  This is the challenging question that I wish to drill down on.

On June 13th, I sat in my cardiologist office with my wife by my side.  I had already been to numerous other specialists, and I knew that he was going to confirm what I already knew.  I was pre-diabetic, obese, in hypertension stage 2 with high blood pressure, fatty liver, and suffered from Obstructive Sleep Apnea.  It had been presented to me that if I didn't make a change, then I was very close to entering into Type 2 Diabetes, as well as a heart attack and stroke waiting to happen.  That was it.  That was the day, 06/13/22, that I came home and resolved in myself that I was no longer going to be in survival mode but was going to switch over to thriving mode.  I feel that I have been successful in the transition and would like to explain how.  Not because I wish to be braggadocios, but rather in hopes that I can inspire somebody else to finally say enough is enough and make that transition to also thrive.  

The first thing that I did was change my diet.  No, I am not on a diet, I changed my dietary needs and habits.  Food had become therapeutic for me as an overindulgence and had stopped being viewed as fuel for my body.  When I realized that my refined carbs and added sugar intake was out of control, I decided to make some changes.  I listened to two audio books that transformed my thinking.  They are "The Diabetes Code" and "The Obesity Code" by Dr. Jason Fung.  He very concisely lists out the dangers of our dietary intake as Americans.  Most diets are alike and fads for the most part.  This is not a diet, but literally spells out the dangers of added sugars and refined carbs in our daily diets.  I say added sugars, as there are naturally occurring sugars in foods all around us.  For example, you will find natural fructose in fruit, lactose in milk, sucrose, glucose, etc.  I am talking about the added sugars in all of the granola bars, applesauce, coffee creamers, carbonated beverages, and the list is never ending.  Then there are all of the refined carbs in the breads and pastas that will increase your glucose levels, and lead to insulin resistance.  No, I am not a nutritionist or a Doctor, but I have done my fair share of research, and it should be no mystery to us that the obesity rates in America and around the world are at an all-time high, as are the type 2 diabetes rates.  They really started spiking years ago with the cheap addition of high fructose corn syrup that was added into almost every processed food.  Are bodies are meant to eat fresh food that has not been processed and stacked full of preservatives.  My daily diet usually consists of Eggs, Avocadoes, Coffee, Cucumbers, Chicken, Almonds, Dried Dates & Figs, can of Sardines, Salad, etc. 

The next step in my healthy change was to incorporate "Intermittent Fasting."  This is lost on Americans, as we are used to eating 3+ meals per day.  For most it is probably like 6 meals a day if you count all of the snacks that are eaten in-between breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Breakfast by definition is "Breaking" your "Fast" from the previous day.  Our bodies are not meant to have food crammed into them non-stop.  We are made to have a break while digestion occurs.  Intermittent fasting helps give your body that much needed break, and also aids in breaking that insulin resistance that causes us to gain weight around the midsection.  I usually do a 24 hour fast 3-4 times per week.  This entails eating a very hardy and healthy dinner the night before, then not eating anything again until the next evening for dinner.  I am also going to start throwing a 36 hour fast in from time to time, which is traditionally done by eating dinner, then the next day fasting breakfast, lunch, and dinner (and obviously no snacking) then resuming breakfast on the following day.  Most cultures incorporate fasting into their lifestyle both from a health and a religious standpoint.  America is one of the few that does not, and therefore as a whole, we are negative against the concept.  

In addition to all of those things, I wake up every morning and do a brisk 3 mile walk around my neighborhood.  If time and weather permits, I will usually do an additional 1.5--3 miles in the afternoon and evening.  I am convinced that this cardio is not really for weight loss but has aided in lowering my blood pressure.  

Lastly, I would point out that I also incorporate in medicine and devices that aid in helping me become healthier.  For example, I am on blood pressure medicine, and also use a CPAP every night to aid in my sleep apnea.  I would point out that one without the other does no good.  For example, if I just used a CPAP, but did not focus on what I ingested and my exercise, then I would not have the same results.  The inverse is also true.  If I had just exercised and ate healthy without using the CPAP or blood pressure medicine, then I would still be struggling.  I am happy to report that since June 13th, I have lost 30 pounds and counting.  This would be fine, except that people lose weight all the time, but gain it back.  I have truly tapped into what I believe are the "Lifestyle Changes" that are the success to healthy living.  In other words, I am not going to stop eating healthy, walking, doing intermittent fasting, taking blood pressure medicine, or using my CPAP, when I get down to my ideal weight (I have a goal of losing another 20 pounds).  I will keep doing these things, as I know that they work, and they are making me healthier.  I also know that I will splurge and enjoy life by eating some ice cream on occasion, just not regularly.  

What does this have to do with Thriving, you might ask?  Well, EVERYTHING!!!  They are all pieces to the puzzle.  I listen to my audio Bible every morning for the first 1.5 miles.  I try to talk to other guys and pour into their lives.  I want to be the best husband and father that I can be to my wife and children.  I do not want to just wake up every morning and survive the day, but rather thrive in going about the day with purpose.  This does not mean that I am naive in that I am over grieving.  Quite the contrary.  I know that I will grieve the loss of my son the rest of my days.  It is just saying that I have tapped into the simple fact that I can still have life and have life more abundantly than I was.  I was holding myself back and wallowing in the pit of despair, but now I am focusing on living life with joy again.  I am not there yet, but I am sure fighting.  Again, one without the other daily discipline doesn't work, but in order to thrive it is a package deal. 

A Resume by definition is a document created and used by a person to represent their background, skills, and accomplishments.  They are usually greatly embellished as to catch the attention of a future hiring manager.  

I wish to elaborate in this blog on a comment made by a friend of mine some months back.  He very frankly said to me, "Greg, when you talk, you speak your resume!"  After figuratively nursing my offended self by sucking my thumb in the corner for a bit, I took that to heart and started evaluating the statement.  Have you ever taken a pause and evaluated if you do the same thing while talking to others?  I found that this comes into play not just professionally, but spiritually.  

I used to start off my conversations when talking to people in the community with, "I sat on 17 boards in this community, and chaired most of those!"  While that is not an incorrect statement, to what purpose did it serve?  I was not interviewing for an 18th board position when I shared that statement.  I was merely making sure that everybody knew my status in the community, and that I was the unofficial mayor of the town.  Not really, but it was a prideful way of getting across to my peers that I have been around the block.  What purpose did this serve?  Absolutely none!  It was a way for me to elevate myself above the person that I was conversing with.  That is the antithesis of humble and contrite in the eyes of God.  

Moving on to the other main realm of speaking my resume.  I found myself constantly surrounded by those in church and in church leadership.  I also found myself stating my pedigree while talking with other Christians by starting the conversation off with, "I have been in Men's Ministry since 1994, and have been to the foreign mission field on 6 separate occasions!"  Again, not an incorrect statement, but the only purpose it served was to make sure everybody knew that ministry was not new to me, and that I have been in the game for a long time.  

In the professional world as a manager, I found myself slipping a phrase into my conversation on manager calls.  It went something like this, "Man you should see how far we have come in the 11 years that I have worked here.  I know most of you have not been around the company that long."  Again, this served one purpose, and that was to elevate myself in seniority amongst my co-workers.  It was a method of showing that I was the Alpha Male in the room, and that everybody was inferior to me.  You want to know the sad part, I never even realized I was doing any of this, until somebody made the comment to me.  It stung for a bit, but I am so glad that they brought it to my attention.  

What makes us feel like we need to wear our accolades and accomplishments on our shirt sleeve for all to see?  Why do we feel the necessity to elevate ourselves above others?  Is there a need in society to not feel subservient?  All great questions I intend to answer.  

To the first question, "What makes us feel like we need to wear our accolades and accomplishments on our shirt sleeve for all to see?"  I think this is best answered by the fact that we do not want to feel like we aren't keeping up with the Joneses.  We live in a society of comparison and contrast.  We compare our cars, boats, guns, houses, and pretty much every other material possession.  There are those out there that like to compare their salaries, bonuses, and balances in their 401(k)'s.  We want to appear wealthier and better off than we actually might be on paper.  There is a desire to feel wanted, and somehow, we feel that our accolades and accomplishments will give us the affirmation that we are looking for to fill that void.  I hate to break it to you, but that void won't be filled with those things.  The Sunday School answer interjected at this point is to say that only God can fill that void.  While I don't disagree with that statement, I believe that love and friendship given to and received from others fills that void.  When you start realizing that you are enough, and that your things don't make you, then you can settle and relax into the mellow warm area of contentment.  

The second question, "Why do we feel the necessity to elevate ourselves above others?" This is a little more difficult to tackle, as there are many reasons that one might feel the need to be superior.  You can argue a messiah complex, or maybe they were beat down and suppressed as a child and told they would never amount to anything.  There are many reasons one might want to appear above everybody else, and some might surprise you and seem justified.  If somebody was told for example all their life that they wouldn't amount to anything, then maybe instead of feeling beat down and suppressed, they take it to the opposite extreme and forcefully put themselves out there in an elevated status, as they feel that they have something to prove.  Although going to the extreme other angle is not right or healthy, it is worthy of a second glance that maybe it is not just the other party being cocky and prideful.  

The third question we will tackle is, "Is there a need in society to not feel subservient?"  This also is a very valid question.  Nobody likes to feel like they are beneath somebody else.  I have seen this demonstrated time and time again in 3rd world countries.  Whether it was Haiti, Jamaica, El Salvador, or Guatemala there was a distinct separation between the upper class in the hills, versus the lower class down in the valley.  There really wasn't much of a middle class, thus there was an obvious separation.  Unfortunately, here in America with the prevalence of credit, we can falsely elevate ourselves to a different class and hold out the appearance of being someone or something that we are not.  We see it every day in the tv shows that we watch, the cars that our neighbors drive, the houses that we mortgage, etc.  As a financial planner, I have seen more Doctors with exorbitant debt, because they felt like they needed to keep up appearances.  

In conclusion, I don't want to be a poser and act like somebody I am not.  One of my favorite movies is "Wild Hogs."  In this movie, we see Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy hit the road on motorcycles.  They are a group of middle-aged men that in some ways are already living that suburban life as posers with those around them but become even more so when they throw the leather jackets on and hit the road.  It is a movie about coming to grips with oneself and refusing to run the rat race of life as somebody else.  Each one of us needs to do a self-evaluation from time to time and ask ourselves if the resume I am speaking and living, is truly the person I am now, or who I was.  Maybe, just maybe, you are to turn over a different chapter in your life and re-write that resume for the future.  Like the Wild Hogs, I refuse to be a Poser in life!​

Attention: Spoiler Alert for the Movie "Maverick" (but who really cares, because you want to read my blog, and you have already seen the movie)!

In 1986 we saw the release of the movie "Top Gun."  It starred Tom Cruise as the character "Maverick", and Anthony Edwards as "Goose."  There was a full line up of blockbuster actors in that movie, including Val Kilmer as "Iceman."

This blog is not meant to be a movie review, although I highly recommend seeing "Maverick" as it is one of the best movies I have ever seen!  With that being said, I intend to draw out an emotion that many that watch that movie will gloss over.  That is the element of grief that Maverick is still experiencing 36 years after his friend Goose was killed.  Allow me to step back in time to 1986 when the first movie was filmed. 

In the original Top Gun movie, we see that Maverick is a hot shot pilot.  Iceman accused him of being reckless, and at first did not like flying with him.  There is such irony in this relationship, as they become lifelong friends and battle buddies.  However, on one fateful day, Maverick and Goose were on a training mission and flew too close to the jet wash of another plane.  When they ejected out, Goose hit the canopy and broke his neck.  The hurt that Maverick experienced was unexplainable.  He had to go confront Carole, Goose's wife played by Meg Ryan, and explain to her what had happened.  If you remember, Tom Cruise played the part well in being so choked up with grief that he didn't know what to say to her.  That whole first movie is about his overcoming grief, when he was at the point of giving up his career and not graduating with his Top Gun class.  He overcomes his grief (or so we are led to believe) at the conclusion of a successful mission towards the end of the movie.  It is at this point that we see Maverick on the aircraft carrier with Goose's dog tags in his hand.  

Oh, that moment of consternation you can see from the pictures I have attached above.  We all remember seeing him contemplate throwing those dog tags off the tail of the aircraft carrier, while the wind was blowing in his face.  This was his moment to "move on" from his grief and loss.  This was his moment where he could put aside his hurt and frustration of blaming himself for his best friend's death.  Oh, the freedom and liberty we saw in Maverick at that moment where he could finally move on and not have to deal with death anymore.  After all, all of his friends and fellow Top Gun pilots around him are all telling him to move on and not be so hard on himself.  They are all telling him that it is not his fault.  Well, we see 36 years ago a demonstration in an hour and fifty-minute movie of how grief settles into a person's life, and how it is resolved all in less than 2 hours.  What a great life example!

OR  WAS  IT???   NOPE

Fast forward 36 years, and Tom Cruise again returns to the screen as Pete "Maverick."  The entirety of this movie shows Maverick wresting with his grief and allowing himself to heal a little more.  To forgive himself for the accident that killed Goose all those years ago, but also for a decision to keep Goose's son out of the Air Force Academy at his mother's request.  The entirety of this movie shows him confronting his grief through emotions of anger, doubt, fear, frustration, rejection, love, and self-pity.  He is functional in going about his life, but one can argue that this is a life-long journey he has and will be on.  We see a particular part in the movie when Maverick goes to visit his dying friend, Iceman.  Ice happens to be an Admiral, and we see portrayed that Ice was his biggest supporter over the past 36 years when others wanted to give up on him.  Ice knew what Maverick was going through, as he also was a battle buddy of Goose's.  He could empathize with the grief that Maverick was holding on to.  It wasn't really as much about Ice encouraging Maverick to let go of his grief, as much as to experience Post Traumatic Growth.  

In summation, I wrote this as I can see the world spinning around me not stopping to understand some of the basic concepts of life.  There is Birth, Life, and Death.  We celebrate the first event every year when our birthdays come around.  We forget to celebrate living, until death happens, and through tears we hold a "Celebration of Life" service.  I am wanting to bring awareness to others that we can celebrate that in-between in the here and now.  I want to celebrate life to its fullest every day.  My breath is a gift from God, and I acknowledge that life sucks at times, but I still celebrate life.  As a society that gets such lessons of life from movies that we watch, I found it important to parallel these two movies that were 36 years apart.  I thought Tom Cruise did an excellent job at portraying in his face emotionally all of the mileage that grief has taken on him through the years.  Through awareness, I tackle the naive comments that others have made to me over the last 19 months since my first-born sons passing: "Oh you are still dealing with that?"  "You need to stop going out to the cemetery, he isn't there."  "At least you have two other children."  "Time heals everything (after all in the first Top Gun movie we saw it all wrapped up in a bow in under 2 hours)."  "At least you will get to see him again in heaven."  "You just need to stop dwelling on David and move on."  "Oh, I didn't want to say anything to you, out of fear of triggering something."  All of these naive (I am being very kind in not calling them "Stupid Comments") I have learned to show grace in, as the giver just doesn't understand.  I used to make the same comments to others.  So, my ask of you today is to invest into others' lives.  Come alongside of them even if it is messy.  Love on them and omit the comments and judgement.  The greatest gift you can give somebody is the Gift of Presence.  Not Presents (although those are nice too) but just being there and present.  And if you are the one needing to receive this, it is my hope that you can ask for help and somebody to love on you.

I am including the YouTube video of the Lady Gaga theme song for the movie Maverick, "Hold My Hand" as it is just a kick-butt song that I love!!!

The motto of the Boy Scouts is "Be Prepared!"  Some people think that is in the eye of the beholder, and that being prepared looks different for each person.  I guess if you are going to go with that line of thinking, then it comes down to the pain tolerance you are willing to endure.  

Last week Amy and I decided to go hiking in the Great Smokey Mountains.  On Wednesday's, they close down the Cades Cove Driving Loop to vehicle traffic and open it up to walkers and bicyclists.  Mind you that this is an 11-mile paved loop that is not for the faint of heart if you are walking it (Electric bikes don't count).  Most people do not walk a mile a day, not to mention 11 miles.  I have been walking 5 miles a day pretty consistently, so I knew that I was conditioned with endurance to endure until the end.  However, I knew to have the right shoes on, have a day pack with snacks, and bottles of water.  Along the road, there are two separate "escape routes" that you can take if you don't want to do the whole 11 miles.  One by one we saw people that started off walking bail out early.  Please don't feel that I am besmirching them or their character, as I give them credit for being out there in nature and exercising.  However, my point to this blog is that you have to be prepared. Most of the people I saw walking were visibly not prepared.  They were wearing flip flops, did not have any snacks or bottles of water with them, and just thought that they could tackle an 11 mile walk on their own while pushing a baby stroller.  Others yet were not visibly unprepared, but were not used to walking, and therefore started to cramp up and get blisters on their feet soon after starting.  It was a long 5 hours (we stopped along the way to see the historical buildings) but we were tuckered out at the end.  

Two days later, we decided to drive the Cades Cove Loop, and stopped at the Abrams Falls Trail to hike.  Once again, I saw the same things as I saw just two days before, but this was not a paved road.  This was a 2.5 mile "Moderately Difficult" hike that takes 3-4 hours.  Do you know how I know that?  BECAUSE  IT  IS  ON  THE  SIGN!!!  That is right, the sign at the beginning of the trail.  As Amy and I started off on our hike with our hiking shoes, 3 bottles of water each, extra pair of socks, hand towel to dry feet at the falls, and ample snacks; we started off on the trail.  I should mention that we sat out in the parking lot eating some salad, sushi, and dates, all while hydrating with a bottle of water before walking to the trail head.  We wanted to make sure that we were well nourished and hydrated prior to starting the hike.  Once again, I smiled and kept my comments to myself as we passed people wearing flip flops, crocs, bleach white tennis shoes, barefoot, pushing baby strollers, no water bottles, carrying plastic bags with swimming gear.  

They would make the argument that they were prepared to swim in the falls upon their arrival at the end of the trail.  However, that is not really what is important, is it?  Some turned back and didn't even make it to the falls at the top, as they realized that the protruding rocks on the trail and serpent like tree roots were no competition to their flippy flops.  Still others would put down their plastic bags filled with swimsuits, in exasperation of their thirst and lack of hydration preparation.  Once we got to the falls, I witnessed a girl walking down the trail barefoot holding her shoes, while holding a bottle filled with murky creek water.  I can only surmise that she went swimming with her only pair of shoes and realized that walking in wet shoes the 2.5 miles on the return trip was causing blisters.  I am also guessing that she made it up on one bottle of water, but realized she had none for the return trip, and risked all of the dangers of drinking murky creek water.  As we left on the return trip, I kept coming across people complaining asking if they were there yet, and I would honestly tell them, "No, you are still a ways away."  I was not trying to discourage them, I was just being honest that they had a ways to go, and maybe weren't prepared for the trip, or return trip.  

You can surmise what you would like out of this blog, but I just felt it too ironic not to write about. There were 3 different types of people that I saw on these hikes:  

1) The person who saw an Instagram photo of the Falls and thought that would be something fun to do with the family and took no thought of whether they or their kids were prepared for a 5-mile round trip "Moderately Difficult" hike.  All they saw were the beautiful refreshing pictures and didn't count the cost as to what it would take. They only saw the 2,5 miles on the sign and didn't think that was doubled for round trip.  They also might not have had any recollection of what distance 5 miles is walking up and down mountains, as let's face it, that whizzes by pretty fast in their minivan. 

2) The other type of person was somewhat prepared in that they had their swimsuit and maybe 1 bottle of water.  They thought that it would be sufficient, but as they got going, they realized how out of shape they were, and guzzled all of their water in the first mile and had nothing left for the other 4 miles.  Maybe they made it to the falls in order to go swimming but realized that they had no energy or supplies for the return trip.  Heat Exhaustion is a terrible thing.  

3) Then there was the prepared hiker who took a picture of the sign at the beginning.  They had a day pack on their back with just the amount of snacks needed and a minimum of 3 bottles of water.  They had an extra pair of socks just in case, and a hand towel to wipe their feet off after getting them wet in the watering hole.  They also might have walking sticks, because experience has shown them that those rocks and roots on the trail can tend to trip the best hiker, and it is no fun face-planting.  By the time they got to the Falls after 2.5 miles, they were ready to relax and eat a snack and hydrate, all while enjoying and taking in the sites.  When it was time to leave, they were complaining about the return trip, but rather realizing from the start that the Falls was only the halfway mark.  At the end of the 5 miles, they rewarded themselves with a nice cold ice bath in the mountain stream.  Geez, that sounds a lot like Amy and me.  

I am not trying to say that I have always been prepared in life.  As a matter of fact, the only way I know to be prepared on hiking trips, is because I was that guy who started off years ago not realizing I needed to pack water, snacks, extra socks, etc.  We learn from trial and error in life.  It is a whole lot easier if we are open to learning from others who have maybe already walked that section of the path of life that you are on.  

BE  PREPARED!!!  I concede that means something different for each person, but again eliminate the risk that you can out of life.  If you expect the unexpected, then you won't be so frazzled when things don't go your way.  We have heard it said that it is important to finish well in life.  In other words, if you hike a section of this journey of life you are on with aplomb, but give up on the rest, that is not finishing well.  We must prepare ourselves with and for endurance until the end.  This comes into play physically, spiritually, psychologically, etc. 

A few months back I mentioned in my blog that every Sunday morning I cry during the worship service at church.  A college friend of Amy and mine, commented that there is nothing more powerful than "Wounded Worship!"  She had lost her husband several years prior, so I knew that she added validity and weight behind her comment.  This blog is dedicated to the thought and concept of "Wounded Worship."  

Let me begin by saying that I am only 19 months out from the loss of my eldest son in an auto accident.  David will always be my first-born son, even though this week my son Nathan is now older than his older brother was when he passed (that was a punch in the gut).  I am no expert on the subject, but ever since her comment months ago, I haven't been able to get it out of my head.  So, what is about to follow is more than the ramblings of a broken man, or one who has it figured out or who has tapped into an unknown power source.  It is one who humbly is just scratching the service of total surrender before the face of God.

For years I would go to church every Sunday morning, sing joyfully unto the Lord, raise my hands heavenward, and ultimately walk away with a good warm fuzzy feeling.  I am not discrediting how I felt back then, or endorsing how I feel now.  The one major element that caused my exodus from the Pentecostal movement years ago, is that my relationship with the Lord is not based on feelings.  I might not "feel" that I am close with God at times (like right now), but that doesn't mean that He isn't holding me in the palm of His hand.  I might not "feel" that I have hope in finding joy in the future, but that doesn't mean that He isn't in control, and understands what I need and don't need in the here and now.  So, with the disclaimer thrown out there that my faith and hope is not built on "feelings," but rather on faith, I am still going to elaborate on the feelings that I have while standing wounded on Sunday mornings during worship.

What is worship?  Well in today's day and age of 2022, that is mainly summed up in a 20-minute praise session that immediately precedes the 20-minute message brought by the pastor.  None of that is meant to condemn or criticize, as that is the only time in my week that I feel comfort and solace.  However, I have grown into a deeper understanding of worship as of late, as it being the object of me surrendering my all of nothingness to my creator.  I say nothingness, as it requires my all in surrender, as there is absolutely nothing I have to offer as a benefit to God.  Well, that is not completely accurate, is it?  What He requires and desires of each of us is the willingness and ability to come before Him and surrender ALL to Him.  THAT  IS  THE  ACT  OF  WORSHIP!!!  It is not "what" we bring to the altar of praise, but rather the act of surrendering all the cares of the world at His feet. This can only happen though when we realize that there is not a single "thing" that God wants from us, but an empty vessel.  He is not impressed with how melodious and in-tune we think our singing is, or the types of clothing that we are wearing.  What He is impressed with, is when we realize that we are broken, and only He has the ability to fix us.  Granted, he uses others to accomplish His work, but we must come to acceptance with the tantamount theological fact that we are nothing, and He is EVERYTHING!

So why the concept of Wounded Worship, you might ask?  I truly believe it is because of two major words that very seldom enter into our English vocabulary; and if they are uttered from our lips, they are more than likely just lip service and not put into practice.  You see, these two words are not cool, attractive, or brave on the exterior, but I would argue that they are exactly that on the inside.  These two words are the key to life and unlocks the gateway of the soul.  Those two words are Authenticity and Vulnerability.  The antithesis of these words is Pride & Selfishness.  Proverbs 16:18 says that "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."  These my friends are what keep us from drawing closer to God.  

So, here goes the zip code emotionally that I reside in today.  I feel dead inside most days.  I struggle with being angry at God for not preventing my son's death.  I am hurt and confused that my surviving son and daughter seem to have moved on with their grief journey, and confused why it doesn't affect them quite the same way as their mom and dad (Truth: it is a different level of grief for a sibling than a parent).  I tend to find that most days I have Waldo and the beef on my mind.  "Where is Waldo" or "Where's the Beef" being two slogans from a by-gone marketing era.  I also am asking "Where is my Joy, and will I ever find it again?"  For a person who was so used to being in control of his life and everything in it (both personally having a touch of OCD, to professionally being a licensed financial planner), it was hard for me to admit that I am not in control.  I am not out of control; I am just not in control most days.  That is not the scariest position or state of being in life.  What is scarier is when you think you are in control, and you are not.  

How is that for Authenticity and Vulnerability?  I know some of you are still trying to connect the lines of how and why that has anything to do with the concept of Wounded Worship.  Well allow me to put a bow on this package for you.  In a life where I do not feel in control, do not feel joyful, and do not feel close to God, I am vulnerable by nature.  However, I am deliberate by choice with Authenticity by showing and expressing my Vulnerability.  When I enter into the church service on Sunday mornings, I walk in spiritually naked.  I do not have any of the trappings of pride and selfishness.  I do not feel that I have it all figured out, or that I have anything that God needs, other than my surrender and brokenness.  I do not walk in with any pre-conceived notions of what I hope to get out of my time standing raw and naked before Him.  I just simply stand tall as a 6'6" man but feel like I am laying prostrate before Him sucking carpet fibers.  I come with the attitude of "Here I am again, standing before you broken with nothing to offer you but myself!  If you see it fit to use this empty vessel, then I am available for Your service.  If not, then I will continue to praise you in the storm, no matter how I feel on the outside."

If you worship near me on a Sunday morning, don't be embarrassed if you see this big man weeping during the worship service.  Don't feel sorry for me.  Don't have pity on me for my dead son.  Don't feel that you have to fix me.  Don't wonder why I grab my sons dog tags under my shirt, and his thumb print.  Don't look at me like I am a weirdo (well...I am that :).  Rather, figuratively come alongside of me where you are sitting.  Surrender your heart to the all-consuming power of God.  Learn that there is nothing that you have to offer God that He needs, other than your nothingness in surrender.  

Why should you not pity me?  Well, because my friends, I have tapped into Wounded Worship, and it has been one of the most powerful experiences of my life.  During the week when I crave a good cry and can't, I am able to open the flood gates of emotions while humbly standing before Him in praise.  While I am struggling with being angry at God, He tells me that He is stronger than I, and can handle any emotions I throw His way.  While I struggle with finding joy in life again, He says that I don't have to be on a mission to find anything, but it is okay to just rest in the palm of His hands.  No don't pity me, envy me.  Not in the grief journey that I have been forced to embark upon, but rather the act of being stripped bare of the systemic pride and selfishness that is a cancer that runs rampant in our souls, by erecting a solid wall of separation from God.  Just like the veil was torn in two in the Holy of Holies upon Jesus's death, that element of separation can also be torn in two in your lives if you allow Authenticity and Vulnerability to take hold during your surrender to the one who made you!

My disclaimer as usual for these blogs is not to tout my life as a beacon of success, but rather as a demonstration of the sometimes-hard path that we walk down.  I know that there are others out there that are reading this that can totally empathize with my comments, and yet others that don't have the foggiest idea of the zip code in which I reside emotionally.  I write this for all!  Not just for those who "Get It" on this grief journey I am on (you know who you are), but also for those who don't understand.  Allow this to be a warm word of wisdom for your heart.  Tough times are coming for us all.  I would much rather walk into the future learning from my past, then to have blinders on and be caught off guard by what tends to sneak upon you.  May this be an encouragement to whomever reads it, and if it is so, please comment, as it also blesses me in my writings.  

Daddy should never be spoken in past tense!  This is a hard one for me to break down.  First off let me set the precedence of this writing in that many fathers have passed before their children.  It is the natural progression in life.  However, it is not natural for a child to pre-decease his father.  I am writing this from the perspective of my four year old grandson Thomas, and what I have observed in the past 17 months since his father (my son) David passed away in an auto accident while serving in the US Army in Colorado.  

I will never forget the day that I found out that I was going to be a grandpa.  I was shocked but so excited at the same time that my lineage would be carried forward.  The thoughts that go through your mind in the early years of a grandchild's life are "what is he/she going to call me?"  Well, Thomas eventually settled on PaPaw for me, and a mixture of different names for Amy.  Some of those are mamaw, and other times she is mommy.  I have the blessing of seeing Thomas most weekends, but I have noticed now that he is four years old, he is commenting and asking about his daddy a whole lot more.  We have been very deliberate from the beginning to tell Thomas that David passed, and is now up in heaven.  We have taken him out to the cemetery on multiple occasions, and have looked through photo albums showing him pictures of his daddy.  

When David was in South Korea (not to be mistaken with that other Korea to the north), I assured David that I would be a temporary place holder for him until his return.  In no way could I ever replace the father figure that Thomas needed in his life, but David was appreciative that I was able to stand in the gap for him while he served in the Army.  Upon his return from Korea, I once again told David that I would be honored to fill his shoes while he was in Colorado, and Thomas was in Kentucky.  I never could have imagined that I would permanently have to step into that role.  I will always be Thomas's PaPaw, but I also will forever represent a daddy figure for him in person, as his has passed on.  

When I talk about Daddy not being spoken in past tense, my point is that  nobody should lose their daddy at a young age.  The older we get, we tend to change the word daddy to dad or perhaps father.  However, when you are four years old, it is just plain ole daddy.  This past Saturday we had Thomas for the weekend.  Amy and I have been busy constructing a beautiful "Honor Garden" for David (future post and pictures when complete).  Some call it a memorial garden, but I like removing the "deathy" word of memorial, and just keep it that I am honoring my son.  While Thomas was helping us haul dirt, mulch, bricks, and shrubs, I was telling him that I was building this in honor of his daddy.  His face lit up, and the rest of the day he would say this was his daddy's garden.  

How do you reconcile the past with the present?  I am not sure I know the answer to this question, as sometimes I talk about David in the past tense, and sometimes in the present.  A friend of mine who lost his son still talks as if his son is going to walk in the front door any minute.  It is just different for each person and there is not any one correct answer.  What I would say is that I want to keep David's memories alive.  That means that I have to drag his memories from the past into the present and future with me.  I say drag lightly, as it is not a burden, but they do not just slide to the present and future on their own.  

What do you do about all of those children out there who's dads are not dead, but have abandoned them and their mom, or just simply moved on.  It is more prevalent then you realize.  I think it is so important to come alongside other children (no matter the age) that don't have a dad figure in their life, and mentor them to greatness.  There are so many emotional scars created in the absence of a father in some ones life.  My dad passed away about 5 years ago, and I don't remember shedding a tear.  Not because I am a cold hearted jerk, but merely because he was never a "Daddy" to me.  He was dad, but he was never there for me, as my parents got divorced when I was 10 months old.  This is a sore topic for a lot of people, as much pain in life comes from the absence of dad in their childhood and adolescence years.  

I have no regrets as a dad.  I always did activities with my three children, and continue to, even though Nathan and Hannah are in college.  I was present and accounted for, which is step #1.  You can have a family, but if you are a workaholic and away 80 hours a week, then you are missing out on your children's life.  Be vested.  I remember thinking that this parenting thing was over once they turned 18 and went off to college.  Boy was I wrong.  I worry more about my children's safety now that they are out of the house and at college, then when they were here.  You never stop or outgrow being a parent.   It is for life. 

In closing, even though Thomas might continue to mention David as his daddy in past tense, I will do everything that I can to keep his memory alive by speaking in the present tense.  David, I stand up and am accounted for.  I will continue to be that permanent placeholder for you as both his daddy figure, and as his actual PaPaw.  I will continue to smother that kid with my love and affection.  Most of all, I will continue to let him know how incredible of a man his daddy IS!

"Put some butter on it."  That is a saying I constantly say to my son Nathan as I daily walk by him while cooking eggs in the kitchen.  Yes, us Jacobs boys like our eggs.  I tend to fry 3 eggs most days (and yes my cholesterol is perfect) and Nathan cooks the same if not more.  It has always been our go to comfort food.  However, there is a distinct difference in the way that we cook our eggs.  

When I fry my eggs in a skillet, I make sure to crack my eggs in a glass over the sink, so that none of the egg drips down onto the cooking surface of the stove.  When Nathan cooks his eggs, he just cracks them on the edge of the pan, and inevitably some drips down on the glass top, and burns onto the freshly cleaned surface.  When I cook my eggs, I melt a tab of butter in the skillet so the eggs do not stick (regardless of non-stick skillets, they still stick).  Nathan on the other hand refuses to use butter (not because of health reasons), but because he just doesn't.  From the picture above, you can see the skillets yesterday as we cooked side by side eggs in the kitchen.  The one on the left appears to be the before picture, and the one on the right, in my interpretation, is the non-stick pan that Nathan absolutely destroyed and annihilated.  However, the one on the left is exactly how the pan looked after I cooked my eggs with butter.

It would be easy to surmise that I am trying to make a statement about my son being lazy and not using butter in the skillet, cracking his eggs over the sink in a glass, or even cleaning his skillet after he destroyed it.  However, that is not what this blog is about.  It is about there being 2 different ways to get to the same result.  In many cases, there might be several different ways.  To Nathan, the eggs taste just as good to him, as mine do.  He might even think that he is being more efficient than me by cutting out the extra steps of butter or cracking the eggs over the sink.  Maybe in Nathan's mind he is thinking that saving those extra two steps at the beginning, can be used on the back end taking extra time to clean the skillet (except I am usually the one cleaning them).  I am not sure, because I am right brained and my way tends to be the correct way, or is it?  Everybody in their right mind can see that the left skillet is less maintenance, but maybe that doesn't matter to Nathan like it does to me.  

The sole purpose of this writing is to talk about what you get bent about.  There was a time that I would fume and rant and rave over Nathan messing up my pan.  He would leave a mess on the counter (as most 21 year olds do) and I would get upset over the mess that I would have to clean up.  He simply doesn't see anything wrong with the pan.  Maybe, just maybe I am the one with the wrong perspective.  

I was talking with one of my employees today about a negative comment a customer left her.  After reviewing both sides, I realized that the customer was just really bent about life, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the work my employee did for them.  As I drive down the road, I am amazed at how many people get bent with road rage.  I was bent just last week at a major food chain while waiting in line for an hour and a half to pick up my moms pre-ordered groceries.  I wanted to publicly blast them for their error, but what good would that accomplish?  It wouldn't take long for us to write out a list of things that we get bent over, or that we see people around us exercising frustration and rage.  Again, to what purpose does this serve?

I am asking, because I too need to hear the answer.  I get bent out of shape when my wife leaves the back door open for the dogs to run in and out of the house, when it is 92 degrees out and the air conditioning is running.  I know she wants to give the dogs free reign to be able to go in the back yard to go to the bathroom.  Why do things bother me so much?  I believe it is human nature to want things just the way we want them.  Selfishness enters into pretty much everything we do in life.  Don't mistake "self-care" for selfishness.  Self-care is the ability to take care of ones self.  Sometimes I just need an evening to myself.  Or maybe you indulge in your favorite ice cream.  It could be seeking therapy for something you are having trouble getting past or through.  Either way, self-care is the act of making sure ones batteries are charged and not drained.  Selfishness on the flip side, is only being concerned about oneself, and disregarding the needs of others.  I always try to put others needs above mine, but I know I fall short on a daily basis.  By putting others needs in front of yours, that inevitably means that you are going to have to do some things that you don't prefer or even enjoy.  Why should you do this?  Well, you don't have to.  However, selfishness is one of the main things wrong in this world.  If you are only looking out for numero uno, then it gets to be a pretty lonely place with a lot of hatred towards our fellow man.  

In summation, the challenge I would lay out to each one of us is what is making you bent quite too frequently, and how can you change that?  Stress will reduce years off of your life.  In addition, what can you do to help a fellow pilgrim on this path we call life, to not get so twisted up in knots?  There is no right or wrong answer to these questions, and it might take some pondering.  So even though I think that my way to cook eggs is better and easier than Nathan's, does it really matter in the grand scope of things?  He is getting fed, and I am getting fed.  So what if I have to buy a new skillet earlier than expected, at least my son wouldn't have to hear me nag at him constantly about how my way is better.  May we all strive to get bent a little less, and instead show some love to our fellow neighbor.  

As always, comments are appreciated, either on this website, or on my Facebook page.